Your story

Dear Mason and Carter,
I want to tell you the story of your birth. I wrote a story for Ava when she was a newborn, and it is only fair that you get your story as well. Being pregnant with you two was one of the hardest times in my life. First the sickness that lasted all day and all night and the pure exhaustion that came from my body trying to support not one but two tiny lives inside. Luckily those symptoms went away once second trimester hit. I was excited for the "honeymoon" stage of pregnancy, but I never did get that with you guys. I felt like it was third trimester the moment 1st trimester was over. About a month and a half before you came I just started feeling terrible all day. Doing anything was so hard. At 20 weeks we found out we were having twins! It finally all made sense. Why this pregnancy was so completely different than Ava's. So in the next few weeks I didn't think anything of the fact that I just felt terrible. I just accepted it because I was having twin boys. I was so excited and so happy to go through all the pain, exhaustion and sickness because I knew it would be so worth it in the end when I got to take my beautiful baby boys home. A week before you came I started to get really stressed that we weren't ready for you guys. We needed a stroller and car seats, a new car, your room needed painted and decorated, and we needed more diapers. We didn't have enough diapers for you guys yet. The DAY before I went to the hospital I bought the first outfits for you guys, we bought a stroller and matching car seats, and we painted your room. We were ready for you guys. You just weren't ready for this world.
Sunday morning I woke up and noticed I felt even worse than I had been feeling. Just crummy and very pregnant feeling. I had some very weak cramping in my lower stomach. With Ava I had felt that way later on and it made me feel very nervous for some reason. I stayed home all day and layed in bed. After eating dinner and laying there for a while longer I still just felt wrong and made your dad call doctor. They said to come into the hospital just to get checked. I felt relief as we drove to the hospital "just to get checked and make sure everything was ok"
It wasn't okay. At the hospital we got taken to a room and Amy, the most awesome nurse ever, started to see what was going on. She found your heart beat Mason, very quickly. Carter, your heart beat was always practically impossible to find since you were down so low. Amy decided to do an ultrasound and easily saw that both you guys were still perfectly happy inside me with your cute little hearts beating away. Then she checked to see how my cervix was doing. She checked. Then she told daddy and me that she was so glad we were at the hospital. She said I was in pre-term labor and already dilated to a four and fully effaced. She said I would be at the hospital until you guys came. She said hopefully I would be there a long time. I was scared. They started me on Magnesium to help stop labor and also protect your brains if you were to come. I also got a steroid shot for your lungs. I had not had any contractions until I was in the hospital. That night I started to have them about 2 every hour. They got to be less over the next couple days and I thought my labor was going to stop. I was very hopeful.
For two days I got to experience bed rest. It is one of the hardest things in the world on your body to have to lay flat on your back (side) all day every day. Every part of your body aches. My hips hurt so bad. I wanted to get out of bed and run a marathon, because I knew that would be easier on my body than bed rest. But I wanted nothing more in the world to stay on bed rest for at least a couple more months. You were four months early. A couple more months would have helped tremendously. While I was on bed rest I had no time to read any of the books your grandma Downing brought me. I watched about 15 minutes of TV. I had too many visitors. I am so blessed to have so many people care. Oh yeah, and the nurses would come in around the clock to check and make sure everything was still alright. Yes, your hearts were still beating EVERY SINGLE TIME they came to check on them. And Carter, your heart was so hard to find every single time. The nurses never gave up though and spent what felt like hours pushing around trying to find both hearts at the same time. You guys were always perfectly healthy and happy inside me. They really didn't need to check for your heartbeats so much. You were fine inside me. It is when you came out that your problems began.
All day Tuesday my lungs kept hurting worse and worse. They told me my lungs sounded fine like there was no liquid in them. But when I would try to lay on my left side I would cough like crazy. It hurt so bad to be on my left side. Turns out my right lung was starting to collapse since I had been laying on my right side more and not breathing deep enough. Tuesday night I decided I wanted my sheets changed. I got up to go to the bathroom while my nurse changed the sheets. All the sudden I felt something that felt like a balloon and thought it was my catheter. The nurse said no way could it be my catheter. It was your sac Carter. They put me back on the bed and we waited for my doctor to get to the hospital. She was fast. My water had not broke. We just waited to see what would happen. I had a contraction and was so nervous, but it actually caused the sac to go back inside. It was very weird. I felt relief and fear at the same time. We waited awhile and nothing happened so I decided to try and get some sleep. They gave me a sleeping pill (because sleep is almost impossible on bed rest). Shortly after I started to get more and more contractions, and they hurt more and more. They were only a couple minutes apart. I started asking for an epidural because I knew you guys were going to be born that night. It seems like a million years before the amazing epidural man came in. He is an angel in many ways. He is the same guy who did the epidural for your big sister. I recognize him by his voice, not his looks. When I tried to scream in pain he reminded me to take big deep breaths. It actually helped a lot more than the screaming. Breathing started to get harder and harder though and they had to give me oxygen.
Carter, you were ready to come out but Mason happened to be transverse (on your side). So they had to do an emergency c-section. They raced me into the operating room and it all felt like the worst nightmare in the whole world. I couldn't breathe. The oxygen mask felt like it was suffocating me, but when I pulled it away it was even worse. Since I had the sleeping pill I felt like I was not in the real world. I had no idea what was going on. I just focused on not dying from suffocation. My angel anesthesiologist kept talking to me the whole time. I really like that man. I don't remember you coming out. I didn't see a thing and before I kenw it I was being rushed to get a cat scan of my lungs I think. I just know they put something in my arm and this cold fluid went in that hurt and I had to hold onto a bar above my head. Then they took me back to my room. That is all I remember from that night. I slept with oxygen all night and woke up feeling surreal. They told me you guys were both still alive and doing ok, for 23 week old preemies that is. I guess you being alive was a miracle. The miracle of modern medicine.
They took me down to mother/baby later that day to my new teeny tiny room. I was taken everywhere in my bed that day. Down past the gift shop to get another lung x-ray, and then they told us we should come up to the nicu to see you Carter. You weren't doing so well, but they still didn't say it was the end. Your daddy gave you and Mason a name and blessing. Carter Dahlen Downing and Mason Brian Downing. You were named after your grandpas. Your daddy also gave you a fathers blessing. It was a beautiful moment. One of the only ones throughout that entire week. I felt so much love for you guys and for your dad and so much joy that we are lucky enough to have the plan that allows us to live as a family forever.
Later after a busy day of breathing specialists and getting my blood pressure checked they said we should come up. Your daddy and I said a prayer before we went up that we would be comforted. That we could feel peace in this outcome. We knew you were going back to live with your heavenly father soon.
You were not going so great Carter. You were not in pain. They promised us that. But you couldn't get enough oxygen into you tiny lungs and it was causing damage to your perfect little brain. It kept going downhill and there was no hope you were going to make it. They took you off life support and wrapped you in a little blue fleece blanket. I was able to hold you for about 15 minutes while you lived. You got to be my baby here on earth for that short while. I was able to hold you and comfort you and love you in a physical way. I loved that moment. I love you so much Carter. You will always be my baby. I was so grateful that I got to hold you close to my heart while your heart was still beating. I was crying because I already missed you even though you were still in my arms. After awhile I let daddy hold you and we took some more pictures. I was sad that Ava wasn't there. I really wish that she could have been there. But she is so little and wouldn't have known what was going on. I felt so much comfort that night. I think you were comforting me while I was comforting you.
The next few days were spent the same way, eating hospital food, getting vitals checked, having various hospital people check in on me, more x-rays, more visitors and flowers and cards, and more visiting you Mason.
I had so much hope for you Mason. I let myself believe you were going to make it. Every time we went up there they said you were doing so well. You numbers were all just where they wanted them to be. You moved so much. They offered to let me change your diaper and I was too scared I would hurt you. I wish I would have changed your diaper. I thought I was going to change a million diapers due to twins, and I didn't even get to change one. We touched your fragile skin through the holes in your incubator and started to get to know you. We loved you so much and were so happy you were still here with us. You got a lot of visitors Mason and they were all so happy to be able to meet you. Friday night you daddy came back from visiting you that night and said you were not doing so well. Your numbers were starting to drop just like your big brother Carter's. I went to bed feeling very sad. We got a visit in the middle of the night telling us that we should come up to see you. I was devastated. I knew that you were about to slip away from this world and go back up to be with your brother. You missed him too much. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up, but I did. We did not have any more babies to hope for anymore.
We went up to the nicu and they let us hold you while still attached to everything. You were so alive and moving so much. But you were so sick, and were getting worse by the moment. The doctors and nurses had done everything they could, but you were meant to go back to heaven. After they took you off life support and wrapped you in a blanket I got to hold you as your special spirit left your body and returned home. I bet Carter was so happy to see you. I held you and cried. For one day I had three living children, and now I was back to just one. I now have more dead children than living. I had a harder time saying goodbye to you Mason. Probably because I had convinced myself you would live. I shouldn't have done that when you were still so tiny and sick. You had wonderful doctors and nurses. The best in the nation. I am grateful we don't have to wonder, what if you would have had better care. You were not meant to have to go through the terrible things in this world. You have a great work to do up in heaven.
Even though the story of your birth is filled with a lot of sadness and trial, I am grateful there were some moments of joy and wonderfulness. I got to hold you and love you, even if it was for a short time. Those were some of the happiest minutes of my life. I will never forget them, or either of you. I love you Mason and Carter.

Love forever,
Your mommy