Nothing in my life has changed, yet absolutely everything has changed. I still have my husband, my beautiful daughter, my loving family and caring friends. All these things used to make my heart full to the brim. I had nothing to miss. I didn’t realize that I had the absolutely perfect life. I didn’t realize how much my heart had already grown for my two baby boys I had never met. Now they are gone and they took half of my heart and life with them. I feel empty. I feel like Jared and Ava no longer can fill my heart with happiness the way they used to and this makes me even more sad.
I do know that I get to be with them some day. FAMILIES ARE FOREVER.
But, I want them now. I want to be their mommy today. I want to nurse my babies, swaddle them and rock them to sleep and look down into their beautiful faces. I want to change 20 diapers a day and listen to them cry even when nothing can make them stop. I want to be exhausted from waking up in the middle of the night to be with my precious babies. I want to see their first smiles, hear their first words, see them walk, and fall and scrape their knees. I want to kiss them better. I want to be their mommy.
I want Ava to be the big sister we promised her she would be and to still be able to feel baby kicks when she puts her hand on my belly and looks up at me with her big eyes ready to feel her brothers. She would have been the best big sister ever. I wish I could have given her that. I wish my body hadn’t failed. I wish I would have taken it easier.
I am so grateful for the gospel. I now know how important the plan of salvation is. I need to go to the temple soon. Maybe I will be able to feel my babies there.
This all seems so unreal. Did I ever have two lives kicking and wiggling around in me? Can’t this all just be a bad dream?
I want another baby right now. I want 20 babies. Maybe they can fill this hole?
2 years ago
Maija-Liisa,
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate with you when you question why your body had to fail. I still wonder today what went wrong with mine, and if this will happen to me again when we try for another baby. I'm scared to try again, not knowing if I can handle going through the pain, and putting the baby through even more. But as I tell you this, I'm telling myself too... it's not our fault and there's nothing that we did to cause this to happen. I still feel this pain though and so I know that for you too, this is going to take time. I know I still question what went wrong, and why it had to go wrong, but now I do it more out of peace and saddness, rather than out of despair and anger. Time will heal your grief, but you will always have a space in your heart for your boys that won't be filled by anything else.
My sis-in-law lost a her baby when she was about 25 weeks pregnant. I got a recommendation for a book that she said helped her get through her loss more than anything else she read or did. I just want you to know I will be mailing you the book so I hope that when you're ready to read it, that you will find it helpful.
My thoughts and prayers are with you guys as you begin your long journey of healing.
Lisa Justice
Dear Maija Liisa and Jared,
ReplyDeleteI want you to know how very much I love you and how sorry I am for your sorrow at this time. Please know that my love and prayers are with you day and night. I thought maybe this little poem that was written by my sister after she lost a baby boy. They had four daughters and wanted a boy so badly. She wrote this the night she lost the baby.
COMFORT
by Mae Maurer Holloway
God's need indeed must have been great,
For He took my son and could not wait.
Three months before his time of birth
He called my baby from this earth.
It must have been a magnificent soul
To have been called home before it's body
was whole.
And I must bow down and accept God's call,
And pray some day I'll understand it all.
All my love and prayers are with you.
Grandma Bart
Jared and Maija-Liisa
ReplyDeleteI feel like I hardly know you and yet we are family. I have followed your blog this last week and cried as I have read each heartfelt post. Although we have never had the opportunity to really get to know each other I want you to know that I care deeply for you and am so sorry for your loss. Yesterday Kris and I joined the family in a family fast for the both of you. We have prayed for you over and over this last week. We hope and pray that Heavenly Father will comfort you during this difficult time.
I have a friend who lost her 18 month old daughter almost a year ago. She has been very diligent about writing about her grief through it all. A few weeks ago she posted this article that I think you might appreciate. http://patrickandashley.blogspot.com/2011/06/different.html In this article she posts a link to an article that really helped her understand her grief and how to incorporate it into her daily life. Read what she wrote and make sure to click on the link. You are changed from this experience and you will never be the same. The hard part is going to be figuring out how to manage your grief.
I have been impressed with your strength. Jared, you are an amazing husband to update your journal (blog) during such a difficult time. The things you have written down will be so priceless to you. I have been so impressed by the testimony that you have both shared. I believe that this experience will have more impact on your life and others than you may realize. My friend has seen so many people come unto Christ through her daughter's passing. It opened doors to share her testimony with people all over the world.
Maija-Liisa - thank you for being real in your post. Not trying to cover up the pain that is all too real for you. Read this post by my friend as well when you have a minute: http://patrickandashley.blogspot.com/2011/04/learning.html
Healing is a process. It takes time. Surround yourself with people who understand that and are willing to give a listening ear.
Once again, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I hope and pray that you can find joy again.
Love,
Kendra (and Kris)
As I read your posts for this week I have seen all of the emotions come flooding through the words. This has truly been a struggle for your family. I am so sorry to hear about your little ones.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that came to my mind as I read this was the love and support you have from your family and friends. Cherish this and lean on them through this tough time. They will be your lifeline in this period of your life to aid you in the healing process. Remember to love, cry, hurt, and wonder. But most of all don't forget to love. You will heal in time but will never forget.
Love. Jon Anderson
Maija Liisa --
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you remember me from when we were neighbors at Raintree but I remember you and always thought you were such a fun, sweet girl. I found your blog again recently and just read all about your precious little babies. I honestly cannot understand or imagine what you are going through, but just wanted to tell you that I am sorry. I am so glad that you have the gospel and the knowledge that you will be with these babies again, but I am sure that does not take the pain away. I will be praying for you and your husband that you can get through this very difficult time. I am so sorry.
I'm friends with Adam and Amber Hall who led me to your blog, and I just saw that Kendra posted up above. She gave you the link to my blog. Last summer, actually a year ago this week, our 18 month little girl fell into a canal and our lives changed forever. She was our only child at the time and losing her was devastating. So as I read your blog I'm devastated for you. I'm so so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI know how the minutes drag on and the days seem like years. I honestly never thought I'd make it to the year mark, but somehow I did. (A lot of prayer and leaning on Jesus Christ) But I promise you, it gets easier. Little by little it does get easier. I still think of her everyday, I still cry everyday, but I've learned how to manage the pain and start living life again.
Three weeks ago we welcomed a new baby boy into the family. I read the last sentence of your post and you said how you wanted a baby to help fill the hole. He's brought more sunshine back into our lives then we would have ever imagined. Just know there is hope in the future :)
I wanted to share a book that helped me so much. I think you'll be able to relate to it pretty well. It's called Joy Cometh in the Morning: A Story of Healing from the Loss of a Child
by Fran C. Hafen
I promise it's worth the read. Hang in there, we'll be thinking of you and your family! Let us know if you need anything.
Love,
The Sullengers
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Reading this post brought me to tears because I have felt all those same things. I felt like I was reading my journal. I lost and delivered a little girl a few years ago half way through pregnancy and so I know a LITTLE bit about how you are feeling. Hang in there. You guys are so strong and we will continue praying for you.
ReplyDeleteRachel Stowell
Rachel Stowell
I sincerely hope that you don't mind that I have been reading your blogs. I want so much to reach out to the two of you. July 15th is the day my son passed away only 9 years ago. After reading your blog and the emotions you are going through I couldn't help but pull out the scrapbook I made of my son who died at 25 days old of genetic defects. I found two poems within that helped me many times as I read them and would think of my son actually saying those words to me so I will share them with you and hope they help you in your grief. I feel as though I love the two of you already. I hope we meet one day.
ReplyDeleteThe Littlest Angel:
I'm only a small child, not much do I know.
But God holds my hand as I look down below.
I'm here with the Father in the most wonderful place
yet I can't feel much joy when I see your sad face.
Your heart has been broken, I can see from up here
as you struggle along and you wipe every tear.
If only I had words I could send to you today
that would tell you that I'm home and I really am OK
Heaven is so beautiful with sparkles and white wings
and the angels are teaching me so many new things.
I'll grow and mature in this Heavenly land
while holdigng on tightly to the Father's soft hand.
So don't grieve for me now, but find peace in your soul,
and know that God has finally made your little boy whole.
And even if you can't seem to understand just "why",
please know in your heart that our love will never die.
He tells me that just for a time we must wait
adn then I can meet you at Heaven's front gate!
So for now, just know I love you in my very own way
and I can't wait to see you on that very special day!
The Second poem.
Mother, do you remember when you first learned of my birth?
I wanted so much to be your son and join you down on Earth.
Of all the moms I watched down there I knew you were the best.
If you'd agree to be my mom, I knew I would be blessed.
My spirit watched my body grow, truly handosome I would be.
Thank you so much for making this little body just for me.
As time went on, you slowed down, but my body stronger grew.
I stretched, and turned, and kicked, to make sure that you knew.
I recognized my features from ancestors who'd come before.
My nose from him, my smile from her, who could ask for more?
This was my perfect family; my love for you grew strong.
Heavenly Mothers smiled, and angels sange for you their sweetest song.
The June sun shone down the day I came, to celebrate my birth.
I'd waited long to join you down there upon the Earth.
I knew that I could trust you to care for me down there.
My needs were great; I couldn't stay; it would seem so unfair.
Thank you Mom for loving me, and holding me close to you.
Thanks for the songs filled with love you sang to me too.
I picked the best of all the mothers there could ever be.
Thank you MOm for that blessed day when you gave birth to me.
Our time was short, but we are a forever family.
I'll love you Mom forever, and I'll remember forever too.
That God gave me the Mother with a heart forever true.
I'll be your son forever, Mom. We're blessed in a forever family.
This is where I am these days. I appreciate seeing someone else feeling the way I do, although, I wish we didn't have to go through this.
ReplyDelete