Testimony

Losing a baby is a very weird trial. It is one of the worst things that could ever happen to you, but the funny thing about it is the fact that my life is “easier” than if I would have had the twins. I sometimes (a lot) still picture my life with two little babies and a toddler, and I know that had that happened my actual daily life would have been a LOT harder in a lot of aspects. I wish that had been the right trial for me in my life right now. I wish I was meant to be a mom to three kids age 2 and under, but that is not what I needed to become the person I am meant to be.
Because this happened I have been forced to examine my testimony. I have had trials, big ones, but they have all made it easy for me to choose the gospel and know that living it truly is what brings you happiness. It has always made me happy.
I have never had my faith tested like this. Going through losing these babies has brought me more sadness than anything I have ever gone through. I always have believed that families can be together forever, and have always believed that Jared and were sealed to each other and all of our children when we got married in the temple. It is easy to believe that when all of the people you care the most about are still with you. My dad said something at the funeral that I know is true. He said that he believes that the huge amount of sadness that we feel over these babies we never even got a chance to really meet in this life testifies to the eternal nature of families. I am so grateful that this trial has brought at least some good things to my life. I have never studied the gospel like this before. I have never examined my testimony so attentively before. I am a stronger person than I was before all this. I am nowhere near perfect in my faith and testimony, but I am closer to my Heavenly Father than ever before.
Spiritual places are the hardest places for me to be, when it comes to crying. I know that is because I am closer to the spirit when I am in these holy places, and it is testifying to me that this gospel is true. I will get to see my babies again, and I will get the chance to be their mom. I am so thankful that I was so blessed to have the gospel in my life. I am so grateful for the temple.
This trial was necessary for me because Heavenly Father knew I needed something to work for in heaven that was concrete. I needed my babies up there to bring a strong passion into me to get back to be with them. I know I will be a better mom and wife to Jared, Ava, and our future children because I have those babies that I am going to work my hardest to get back to. They are perfect spirits, and now I must work my hardest every day to become my most perfect self.