today

Today I miss you. I am sad that you won't get to be best friends with your baby boy cousin coming in February. You would have practically been triplets. Brittney told me she thinks you guys are best friends up in heaven right now. I think she is right. I feel happy when I think of it.

Today I am so grateful for nice strangers who have been through situations very similar to ours and reach out to help. Poems, books, necklaces, and kind words don't compare to the comfort having you two in my arms would, but they help a lot. They help me cry and release the constant pressure that builds up in my stomach and chest. They make this seem real. They make my grief seem like it has a reason. Sometimes I feel like what happened was all just a bad dream. Did this really happen? When those things come it helps remind me that you two are real. You are really mine, and I really have all the reason in the world to be missing you.

Today I love my mom so much. I love spending time with her and seeing her example. She is so good at everything. I hope I can be a mom just like her some day. Maybe I already am, just not in the talent area. I would do anything for Ava. I would do anything for you two. Right now you can probably help me out much more than I can help you. That's a hard thing; to not be able to do anything for your children.

Today I am grateful for my life. It is perfect minus the absence of my boys. God's plan is perfect. Today I am trying to remember that. My life is perfect. I will get to be with my family forever, and what matters more than that?

Today I am noticing that happiness can exist again. In the past weeks I have laughed and loved and progressed. Life can move forward, and it will even if I try and stop it...

However, I am also thankful today for all the people who ask questions about you guys and everything that happened. I am grateful that people are still willing to let me relive the past; the past when my two boys were on this earth. For people who are willing to let me still obsess over this, and realize that it will always be a part of me. I will never go back to a mom who has the blissful naivety of never losing a child.

Today I am changed person, but I know it is for the better.