Sunday is an interesting day. It is the day we went to the hospital, and it is the day I have the most time to sit and relive the past over and over again and ponder what it all means. I always cry on Sunday. It feels really good to cry, and I hope that I can always cry over missing my boys.
Yesterday we went to the temple. It was good. But when we got home last night I was feeling very down. Sometimes this seems like way too much to handle and I just want to quit. But how can you quit something like this? You can't. I am just stuck and have to learn and grow from losing my twins. Twins. We were so lucky to get twins and I lost them. That makes me sad. Anything having to do with twins makes me sad. Not so much newborns in general (ok sorta), but mostly just anything twins.
Sometimes it is hard to be so positive all the time. Sometimes I just want to be bitter and mad and scream why me? Why was I the one who didn't get to keep their twins and have a crazy roller coaster life with 3 kids two and under?
I think people think I am better because most of the time I am ok. But I am not better.
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Wow. My Heavenly Father loves me so much. And he uses other people to let me know this. And he knows the exact timing that they need to come and help. I am so grateful for people who listen to the spirit and follow through. I am grateful for the beautiful primary children in our ward. I am grateful for others testimonies that help me strengthen mine when I am having a hard day. I have a lot to be grateful for, most especially my husband and children; my forever family.
2 years ago
We love you guys and will continue to pray for you and your family.
ReplyDelete-Lisa Justice
To my dear Maija-Liisa,
ReplyDeleteI am sad too. It is sad lose two grandbabies, but the saddest part is to watch your own child lose two babies. I love you more than anything and pray that someday you won't be sad anymore. It is going to take a while,and know it is ok to cry everyday. I also wish we knew and understood everything. Little precious ones like Ava are why we don't give up. Carter and Mason would not want you to give up either. Ava,Carter,Mason,and all your future children are soooo lucky to have such a wonderful mom, as you are. Hugs and kisses and know every second how much I LOVE YOU! Mom
I am so sorry. I know that it takes time, nobody expects you to feel ok right now, it is a very hard thing to go through. My mom lost a baby girl at 11 months and it was very difficult for her. We would send up balloons on her birthday every year and remember. I know I am so grateful for the knowledge of an eternal family that helps me cope with difficult things and know that someday I will get to meet my big sister and love her.
ReplyDeleteMy sweet little girl,
ReplyDeleteI am crying for you right now. Dads are supposed to fix things. Dads are supposed to make things better. I know you are grown and understand your father isn't far from perfect. But I have a perfect and unconditional love for you. I can't explain why this happened. I can't think of a reason why or how any growth from these can make up for the pain you and your husband have suffered. We can drive ourselves crazy looking for a reason. I wish I could give you a hug and let you know there are so many people who love you and want you to be happy. It will hurt for a very very long time, and will always be a scar which will alter your life. but just as most scars, it will decrease in pain and frequency.
You are precious to me. Cherish each day, explore every opportunity and live life with the curiousity of a child. Look into Ava's eyes and learn from her excitement at every new thing. I love you.