would have been

Dear Mason and Carter,

Today I am missing what would have been. A boy got up in church to bare his testimony and he was cute and blonde both of which I just know you would have both been. It made me sad when I pictured my twin boys getting up to bare their testimonies and how that will never happen. I know I know, someday, but my mind does not completely comprehend life after this, and so moments like this make me sad. I am grateful for the spirit and its sweet whisperings of the TRUTH, that it will all turn out, but it is still so dang hard. This is a hard trial. Sometimes I feel like I am failing miserably at it.

There are so many baby boys being born in the next few months and that makes me sad. You would have had so many friends to run around the neighborhood with. I am sad that we won't be able to tow you around the zoo in a wagon with Ava looking at the elephants pooping ;). We won't get to teach you to ride a two wheeler and throw a baseball. I am even sad when I think about the cute twin mischief that surely would have occurred. Crayons on the wall, toilet paper strewn about the house, and two cute giggles as you became best friends. I picture my "other life" often, the life with you two growing up with your big sister, and that is probably a bad thing to do. I have a feeling that the rest of my life there will be moments when I think, they should be doing this right now. My boys should be learning to drive, or graduating, going on missions. I have a lot of sad moments to come. Thinking about it makes me tired.

It seems that it has been a lifetime since I last held both of you and looked down on your cute and completely individual looking faces. I still think man, is this real? Do I really have THREE children? I have given birth to three children. Life is moving on and that makes me sad. I do not get to talk about you guys every conversation I have, which obviously would be silly if I did, but it still makes me sad. It makes me sad when I have not seen a person since we lost you and they say nothing about you. It is like if someone just had a new baby and everyone just ignored the new baby and just talked about other things that mean nothing to you instead. There are no new things to say about you so I feel like it is too repetitive to keep telling the same people the same stuff over and over and over. I am grateful for people that still send random sweet thoughts and messages. No I am not pleading for people to send messages. I am just grateful for good friends. I sure do have good friends.

But I want you two to know that I am not sad all the time. I am a very happy mama to the best big sister ever, and wife to the most loving and silly husband ever. They make me laugh. Ava loves you guys and talks about you any time she sees pictures of little babies. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father gave me her before making me go through this. I am not a strong enough person otherwise. She gives me a reason to wake up every day and live life to the fullest. I am trying to get back to living a full life each day. Grief kinda knocks you off your feet and it is a huge effort to get back to how you were living your life before all the sadness. This week is the week when I am going to stop stalking other "sad people" blogs during ava's entire nap, and wasting away way too much time on pinterest and facebook. The darn hospital got me addicted to the computer again just when I was doing so well.

Most of all I want to let you guys know I still think of you each day. I will always have a HUGE special place in my heart just for you. I cannot wait for the magnificent day when I get to meet you again. I can't wait to see what personalities, talents, and passions you have. It will be a joyful day.