So it seems that my blog is turning into a weekly, "how I feel on Sunday" journal, because that is that day I actually have time to sit down and write. It really is not a fair outlook on how my life is going though, because honestly I feel sad every single Sunday. During the week I am happy, I am productive, and really loving life. I do have sad moments, but overall I am feeling optimistic about life. It is a nice feeling. I still feel upset inside when I see pregnant people, new-newborns, and sometimes random little boys in the store. Mostly I think it is a jealous feeling. Someday I will get over this terrible feeling, probably when I get pregnant again. I can't wait for that day, yet at the same time I am terrified for that day :) Isn't life so great, full of contradicting feelings all the time?
This last week was probably the best I have had since becoming pregnant with the twins. Since January I have felt miserably tired, sick, yucky pregnant, and then grief-stricken, and recovering from a c-section. That was about 8 months of just not feeling even close to myself. Last week I was happy 90% of the time. It was really good. I had conversations with people about things other than losing babies, and wasn't thinking the whole time that this is pointless conversation. I am starting to enjoy real life again and not focus all the time on losing Mason and Carter.
However, I am excited for the day when I don't get taken off guard with feelings of annoyance, sadness, offense, jealousy. It is not like me and I don't like it when that happens.
Right now when I think about Mason and Carter I just feel love. I feel excitement for the day when I get to see them again. I am grateful for my babies and what they have given me. The gift of gratitude. I am so grateful for every other aspect of my life more than ever before and I know it is because I have gone through this. You can't know true joy without going through something truly sad. I now know what true joy is, and what things are just silly to get upset over.
Ava is awake and she is trying to "help" me write, so I guess I am now done writing.
2 years ago
I haven't been through the same trials as you, but I have gone through the same emotions for other reasons. I can tell you those feelings of jealousy, etc. may never fully disappear. But as time heals all wounds, those feelings will come less frequently and when those emotions "catch you off guard" (as they still do to me), you will learn how to cope with them and even turn them into something positive. From my experience; Time will heal. Everything in life is so much more appreciated. Enjoy those moments when Heavenly Father opens a window to show you another blessing given to you just because you endured. I am so grateful for those moments in my life.
ReplyDeleteMJ, remember that Mormonad with the balloon rising above the crowd of the other balloons? I think it said Rise Above or something. I feel like you are rising above all those less-than-happy feelings. I know it will take time, but you have so many people here to help you (including me, even if I'm all the way up in SLC) and support you.
ReplyDeleteYou are naturally so bright, happy and free from the more serious worries of this world, which makes me sad that you are experiencing this side of things. I have always admired how strong you are and how things that would normally upset people, you don't even allow to bother you. BUT, you're right, you can only know true joy by experiencing true sadness.
All my love!
Mer