i miss you

Dear Mason and Carter,

I sure miss you today. The holidays are over, the abnomally warm January is gone and I am just sad. You guys would be about 3 months old right now. The hard newborn days would be over and you would just be so cute. I try not to dwell on that, and normally I am pretty good at just living my life as it is and being happy. Really I am. :) Some days I just wake up and want my baby boys to cuddle with.

Over the past 6 months, it has been kind of weird. Every activity or change in life has me thinking, we would not be doing this if you guys would have come 4 months later. We would not have gone to cornbelly's, or to that ward party, or driven up to Idaho just to see my friend Kim who was in town, or maybe even for Christmas. I wonder if I will always notice the path I am on now compared to the old one that "shoulda been". Even my living room is completely different than it would be if you guys were still here. Our family pictures on the wall wouldn't exist. Life just keeps moving on. And if you don't move with it you will get left behind. Part of me has been left behind with you guys. It tries to keep up with life, but always manages to get a little lost missing that old path that was so comfortable and happy. Luckily we are doing a pretty good job of bringing you two along with us in our new life. Your big sister knows and loves you. We say goodnight to you everytime we pass your cemetery. Ava even talks about you when we pass a cemetery that is not your resting place. We have your pictures on our wall. I love looking at your beautiful faces. It reminds me you are mine forever.

My friend Kimberly is so amazingly talented. In the Nicu there is a picture of Christ holding a preemie baby. Jared and I loved it. So a month or so after the hospital I asked her if she would paint a picture of Christ holding you two in Heaven so I could give it to Jared for Christmas. She was nervous and had never painted people before. But wow, didn't it turn out so perfectly? Amazing. That picture makes me so happy and brings me so much peace. You guys are safe. You don't have to deal with this crazy, terrible world. And I get to see you again someday. I guess in the end the path isn't completely changed. In the end they will meet up at the same spot they were always meant to. As a forever family, happily ever after.

Love you forever, your mommy